Gollum Mania!
by Ahlmora
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. Enter if you dare. No slash.
1. Chapter 1: Cover Creature

Title: Gollum Mania! 1/?  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.  
  
Warnings: Um - Gollum + sexy = scary  
  
Archive: Just ask  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.  
  
A/N: Well, if you've read my other stuff, you know my sense of humor is weird. This one's no different. No slash in this one though, I promise! More to come!  
  
  
  
~~Rivendell~~  
  
The peaceful tranquility of Rivendell was broken by a high-pitched, girlish shriek of joy. "It's here! The new issue of Teen Creatures is here! AND HE'S ON THE COVER!"  
  
Girly shrieks of joy echoed throughout the Elven kingdom. Elrond, Lord of Rivendell, tucked the magazine under his robe and ran to his secret reading room - a.k.a., his bathroom. He locked the door and sat on the toilet as he eagerly turned to the article named, 'Gollum's tips to make any woman want you!' He hrmed to himself as he read the first tip aloud. "Tip number one - always compliment them. Gollum likes to use this line: 'We thinks you is beautiful, yesss, we does. We likes your round squishy things -" He nearly fell off the toilet as someone banged on the door.  
  
"Daddy!" Arwen shrieked. "I know you've got my magazine in there! Give it to me, I need to read about what turns Gollum on so I may become the perfect woman for him!"  
  
Elrond, not wanting to give up the magazine yet, but not being able to help imagining the prestige of having Gollum as a son in law, opened the door and handed his daughter her magazine. "Bring it back when you're done, will you? I still need to read 'Gollum's Fashion Tips'."  
  
"Ok Daddy," Arwen said as she gazed raptly at the cover. "Oh, he's sooo dreamy!" On the cover was Gollum dressed in his usual loincloth and was tenderly holding a kitten in his hands, to show how sensitive he was of course. In big letters it says, 'This issue - GOLLUM! An entire issue dedicated to Middle Earth's hottest heartthrob! And guess what ladies - HE'S SINGLE!'  
  
Arwen read the cover and sighed contentedly, thinking like all naïve females that she actually had a fair chance at bagging the emaciated hunk. She practically floated out of the room as she went to drool over the true love of her life in private.  
  
~~The Shire~~  
  
Rosie Gamgee and her girlfriends were gathered around the kitchen table, a copy of Teen Creatures in front of them. They flipped through the pages, giggling and swooning at the pictures of who they considered to be the sexiest being alive.  
  
"Oh, look at those ribs!" Swooned one lass.  
  
"And that hair!" Rosie squealed. "Ooooohhhh!!"  
  
"Do you ever imagine what he has under that loincloth?" Another lass giggled, a blush creeping into her cheeks.  
  
All the ladies shrieked nervous laughter and went into a conversation regarding the package their beloved Gollum might be hiding under that tiny loincloth. Behind them Samwise Gamgee arrived home, followed by his friends Frodo, Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Darling, I'm home - oh no, that blasted magazine is here," Muttered Sam. He looked to his friends and motioned them towards the den. As they passed the group of women, Pippin stopped to peer over their shoulders at the magazine.  
  
"Oh! Has Gollum lost more weight? Blast, I'll never get down to that size!" Pippin mourned. Merry grabbed him by the collar and yanked him away.  
  
"Uh, Rosie, when will dinner be ready?" Sam asked.  
  
"Um, why don't you make your own, Sam dear?" his wife murmured as she continued to stare at the magazine. "Although I dare say you could afford to skip a few dozen meals." She looked up at her chubby husband, then down at the super scrawny Gollum. "If only you looked like that," She sighed.  
  
Sam snorted and rolled his eyes. "Sorry, I don't feel like spending 500 years being consumed by an evil ring to achieve that look." He stalked away, his friends following, Merry dragging a protesting Pippin.  
  
"Wait! I want to read about the Gollum Super Diet!" Pippin whined.  
  
"Pip, I've told you already, being that skinny is NOT healthy," Merry growled as he pushed his cousin down into a chair in the den.  
  
"But the lasses think he's so sexy!" Pippin cried. "I want to be sexy too!"  
  
"Oh, shut up," Frodo groaned. "At least you don't have reporters beating down your door wanting to know what it was like to travel to Mordor with the Great Middle Earth Sex Symbol." He sighed. "Now I wish I HAD let you kill him, Sam."  
  
"Told you," Sam grumped.  
  
Pippin was still stuck in his previous line of thought. "Gollum wears a size 0 loin cloth, you know! I'm never going to be able to get down to that if I don't start exercising more and skipping meals!"  
  
"Pip, you are doing no such thing," Merry scolded. "Don't worry, it's a fad, this whole thing will pass and our plump Hobbit bodies will be in style again!"  
  
The four Hobbit men nodded grimly and lit their pipes.  
  
~~Isengard~~  
  
"Oh joy! Oh rapture!"  
  
Grima Wormtongue ran into Saruman's main chamber to see what was going on. "Master?"  
  
Saruman the White danced about gleefully, naked except for a tiny loincloth. His bony limbs flailed about as he did his dance of joy. You could almost hear his bones clacking together. "The new issue is here! Oh, look! A full size pull-out poster!" He tore it out gleefully and pranced over to attach it to a blank space on his wall.  
  
Grima grimaced as he looked about the room. This room, well, nearly the entire tower, had become a shrine of sorts to Gollum. Posters, cut out articles, and every Gollum-related product that had ever been made decorated their home. Grima was getting seriously creeped out, and considering how creepy Grima was already, that said a lot.  
  
Saruman fussed over the poster until he was sure it was perfectly aligned and then pranced over to his special altar, where he had a picture of Gollum surrounded by dozens of lit candles. He knelt and began to chant, "We loves us Gollum, yessss we does!"  
  
Grima sighed and went to catch some fish for Saruman to eat raw. 


	2. Chapter 2: Dank Caves and Skulking

Title: Gollum Mania! 2/?  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.  
  
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary  
  
Archive: Just ask  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.  
  
A/N: Just wanted to respond to my reviews before we got started. Thanks to all of you who have enjoyed it so far. To the one that brought up that Grima/Saruman/Gollum all die in the book, I am aware of that. Note the AU in the summary. Alternate Universe. It's not meant to follow the book/movies exactly. Just turn your brain off and enjoy.  
  
  
  
(An Article from Teen Creatures Magazine)  
  
How compatible are YOU With Gollum? Take this quiz to find out!  
  
1) What's your idea of a romantic evening? (A) Staying home and snuggling on the couch, (B) Taking a moonlit stroll on the beach, (C) A candlelit dinner in a fancy restaurant, or (D) Crouching in a dank cave and talking to yourself  
  
2) What I find most attractive in a man is: (A) Looks, (B) Money, (C) Sense of Humor, or (D) Protruding ribs and huge hollow eyes  
  
3) What do you like to do in your spare time? (A) Read, (B) Sew, (C) Exercise, or (D) Skulk in shadows and stalk people  
  
4) Your favorite food is: (A) Lembas, (B) Chocolate cake, (C) Stew, or (D) Raw fish, preferably still squirming  
  
5) When you are upset, you: (A) Try to cheer yourself up, (B) Cry, (C) Eat too much, or (D) Allow your evil personality to take over and kill whoever upset you  
  
Arwen hummed to herself softly as she went through the rest of the questions and marked her answers with her quill. "Let's see - all right, now to read the correct answers - oh no! I only got one right! Well, the question I did get right was a given, of course I fancy men with protruding ribs and huge hollow eyes!"  
  
She sighed dreamily and fluttered her eyelashes at the picture that accompanied the quiz - Gollum on all fours and grinning widely, showing off all of his rotten razor sharp teeth. "But I need to work on these other ones! Hmm, the first one - crouching in a dank cave and talking to myself." Arwen tapped her index finger against her lips as she thought it over. "Ah ha!"  
  
She jumped off the bed, clutching the magazine in her hands as she ran down the hallway to find her father. "Daddy! I need to go on a trip!"  
  
~~The Shire~~  
  
Pippin looked around quickly to make sure no one was watching, then snatched the copy of Teen Creatures off of Sam's kitchen table. He ran outside and hid in the bushes while he read about the Gollum Super Diet.  
  
"Hmm," Pippin said. "Seems pretty easy to me. Just drink lots of water, do a lot of skulking, and chew your raw fish slowly so you think you're fuller. I can do that!" The young Hobbit clapped his hands with glee as fantasies of attracting numerous lasses with his newly underdeveloped bod danced through his head.  
  
@@Begin Fantasy@@  
  
"Oh, Pippin, you're SO sexy!" a random Hobbit lass squealed.  
  
Pippin stood in the center of a large crowd, proudly displaying his new look. He was so thin you could clearly see the outline of all his bones. The prized size 0 loincloth hung low on his jagged hipbones.  
  
"I know," Pippin said as he grinned. "But I owe it all to the Gollum Super Diet!"  
  
"Oh, he's modest too!" another random lass swooned.  
  
"Will you sign these, please!" another lass cried as she pulled open her bodice.  
  
"Why, I'd be happy to - " Suddenly he was tackled by none other than Rosie Gamgee.  
  
"Oh Pippin, marry me! All I can think about is you! I can't eat, I can't sleep! I want to bear your thirteen children!" Rosie begged as she clung to him.  
  
Pippin grinned again and looked over at Sam, who was standing back from the crowd and looking furious. Flanking him were Merry and Frodo. Pippin called to them, "See! I told you! None of you believed me! Well look who's sexy now!"  
  
The lasses turned to look at the other male Hobbits. "Eww! They're so - fleshy!" One cried.  
  
"You can't see any of their bones!" Another lass added in horror.  
  
"Go away, go away!" All the lasses started chanting. Sighing in defeat, Sam, Merry and Frodo walked away with their heads hung low.  
  
Pippin laughed and turned his attention back to his group of admirers. "Right then. Who wanted what body part signed?"  
  
@@End Fantasy@@  
  
Pippin smiled to himself. "Oh yeah. Watch out, lasses!" He shouted as he leapt out of the bushes, scaring a group of children half to death. Pippin however was too excited to notice. He ran back into the house and dropped the magazine back onto the table, then headed out to practice his skulking technique.  
  
~~Isengard~~  
  
Grima Wormtongue sighed and wondered if he could plead insanity if he killed Saruman. He'd thought the wizard's Gollum fascination was just a harmless little hobby - at first. Then the posters started going up, then the shrine - and then one morning, Saruman had come prancing into Grima's private chambers wearing that loincloth. Grima had bashed his own head against the wall several times to wake himself up from this apparent nightmare until he realized that this, unfortunately, was not a dream.  
  
Right now he was just trying to keep his supper down while Saruman sat on top of the table on all fours, noisily tearing apart a raw fish with his teeth and eating it. And worse yet, the wizard felt the need to talk while he was doing it.  
  
"And it says in that article that Gollum hates 'nassssty' people - and he uses the same shampoo I do!" Tiny pieces of chewed-up fish flew through the air as he spoke.  
  
Grima pushed his own plate aside and fought down the rising vomit in his throat. "Of course he does, it's 'Gollum's Swamp Magic Shampoo'," Grima muttered. The stuff looked like sludge scraped off of swamp rocks and smelled like rotting fish carcasses.  
  
"I mean, he's just soooo cool!" Saruman gushed. "He would be so great to hang out with! I could totally see us being friends, can't you?"  
  
"Sure," Grima said without much enthusiasm. He added under his breath, "Right, and I'm a virgin." Grima thought for a moment. "Oh wait, I AM a virgin." He sighed and added 'get lucky' to his list of things to do before he died, right under 'kill Saruman'. 


	3. Chapter 3: Being Gollum

Title: Gollum Mania! 3/?  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.  
  
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary  
  
Archive: Just ask  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.  
  
A/N: Time to comment on reviews again:  
  
Katherine, Eirtae, Danielsgirl4eva, Sammy Took, and Lassemista: Thanks for the great reviews!  
  
Avelera: They aren't meant to be in character really, but thanks for saying you thought they were! Hmm, what WOULD a Hobbit say instead of 'sexy'?  
  
leggylover: I write these stories for myself, and if someone else likes them that's a bonus. My writing style is my own and I don't plan on changing it. Sorry you don't like it. And yes, this story is disturbing. Hence the warning above.  
  
  
  
~~The Misty Mountains~~  
  
Arwen had decided that there was no better place to begin her first step of becoming the perfect woman for Gollum than to go where Gollum had lived in solitude for so long, in the caves deep inside of the Misty Mountains. She dismounted her horse and eagerly climbed the rocky cliff until she found an entrance.  
  
She crawled through the damp tunnels until she came to a wide-open underground cavern. There were large rocks jutting out and below those, a small pond of stagnant water. Arwen clapped her hands with delight. This was perfect!  
  
"All right, now - how to begin?" Arwen murmured to herself as she looked around. "Oh, right! Crouching comes first!" She crouched down on a rock. "And then, I'm supposed to talk to myself. Hmm, what should I talk about?" She considered this question for a few minutes before beginning.  
  
"How are you today, Arwen? My, your hair looks lovely. Where did you get that dress? You look like you've lost weight! What kind of shampoo do you use?" She continued to talk to herself for many hours, until her legs were cramping and her voice was getting hoarse. Elven stamina or no, crouching in a dank cave and talking to yourself was hard work! That knowledge made Arwen admire Gollum even more for being able to do it for 500 years.  
  
"All right, time for a short break!" She stood up carefully and stretched. It was then she heard another voice echoing through the cavern.  
  
"You really should leave him, he's such a pansy, and so terrible in the sack, he hasn't pleasured you in what, 800 years? He just spends all his time looking all wise and mysterious, like anybody's fooled! Everyone knows you're the talented one! When they come to Lorien it's YOU they've come to see, not him! Oh well, at least you've managed to keep your affair with Haldir's brothers a secret -" the familiar voice babbled on.  
  
Arwen couldn't believe her ears. "Grandmother?" She called.  
  
The voice went silent. A moment later there was the sound of footsteps, and from around a corner appeared Galadriel. The older Elf's mouth fell open. "Arwen?"  
  
"What are you doing here?" Arwen sputtered.  
  
Galadriel crossed her arms in front of her. "Nothing," She replied casually. She was quickly proven a liar as a copy of Teen Creatures fell out of her robes.  
  
"Ah ha!" Arwen cried as she pointed at the magazine accusingly. "You're trying to become the perfect woman for Gollum!"  
  
Galadriel glared back at her granddaughter. "So what if I am?"  
  
Arwen bared her teeth. "He's mine!"  
  
The Elven witch began to glow a bright blue and her voice deepened. "Do not challenge me, child!"  
  
"Now, wait a moment," Arwen said, holding her hands up. "Would Gollum want us acting like this?"  
  
Galadriel considered this and the glow faded. "I suppose not," She conceded.  
  
"I believe he would want us to be acting more like - THIS!" Arwen shrieked. She bared her teeth and made loud hissing noises as she lunged at her grandmother, trying to claw her eyes out.  
  
The two Elves rolled around on the cold wet rock, hissing, howling, and clawing at each other. The sound of their battle echoed throughout the caves and over the mountains. Those who overheard the noises shuddered in horror, only being able to imagine what terrible creatures must be dwelling in those caves to make such a sound.  
  
~~The Shire~~  
  
Sam Gamgee had finally managed to tear his wife away from that stupid magazine and had convinced her to take a walk with him out in the fields behind their home. He held her hand as they strolled through the tall grass and flowers and engaged her in conversation about anything NOT related to Gollum.  
  
"It's such a beautiful day," Rosie commented as they strolled under the mid- day sun.  
  
Sam pulled Rosie close and looked deeply into her eyes. "You're more beautiful," he murmured as he brought his lips to hers. He felt her responding to his affections and lowered her down to the ground. Things were just starting to get really heated when there was a rustling in the grass.  
  
"Sam, what's that?" Rosie asked between kisses.  
  
"Nothing, just some animal," Sam insisted as he worked on the lacings of her bodice.  
  
"But I thought I heard - AHHHHHHH!" Rosie screamed as something jumped out of the tall grass and almost landed on them. Sam spun around with his fists raised and was about to throw a punch when he saw who it was.  
  
"Pippin?"  
  
Pippin giggled and jumped to his feet. "Sorry about that! I was just practicing my skulking. What do you think, did I do well?"  
  
Sam groaned. "You're trying to be like Gollum, aren't you? I'm telling Merry!"  
  
Rosie, who had been ready to deck Pippin herself a moment ago, brightened instantly at the mention of her favorite subject. "Is that true?" She asked Pippin, looking impressed.  
  
Pippin struck what he hoped was a manly pose. "Yep! I've gone on the Gollum Super Diet!"  
  
"Oh Pippin, that's so - manly." Rosie cooed, batting her eyelashes.  
  
Pippin grinned as he recalled his fantasy from earlier. "Just wait until I can fit into that size 0 loincloth."  
  
Rosie sighed dreamily as she pictured Pippin as emaciated as her beloved Gollum. "You'll be the handsomest lad in the Shire!"  
  
Sam rolled his eyes and stood up. "I'll leave you two alone," He said crossly. He stalked back to the house, leaving Rosie and Pippin to their discussion. 


	4. Chapter 4: Sam's Paranoia

Title: Gollum Mania! 4/?  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.  
  
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary, little bit of sexual content (nothing graphic)  
  
Archive: Just ask  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.  
  
A/N: To my loyal reviewers:  
  
Mirkwoodarcher, Lassemista, Eirtae, Diamond Took, FrodoFever, LMG, Eve of Mirkwood, A. Fleury, veedubbleyou, and Katherine: Thank you for the great reviews!  
  
addicted - Thanks for saying you like my writing style, it's appreciated.  
  
Sammy Took - I hadn't considered using Eowyn in the story. I'm not certain I could write a part for her in a way that wouldn't just look like another version of Arwen's part. I'm thinking on it.  
  
  
  
~~The Misty Mountains~~  
  
Arwen let out a primal scream of triumph as she knocked her grandmother into the stagnant water with a loud splash. She knelt by the edge of the pond, watching with feral eyes as she waited for the older Elf to resurface.  
  
Galadriel surfaced, coughing and splashing. Arwen crawled backwards quickly on all fours as the Elf witch rose from the water. Both women were covered in scratches and bite marks, and their clothes were torn to ribbons.  
  
"This isn't over!" Galadriel hissed, getting down on all fours.  
  
Arwen bared her teeth and hissed back. "Yes it is! I have bested you, and therefore won the right to make Gollum mine. Leave NOW."  
  
Galadriel growled low in her throat and seemed to think for a moment. "Well, I suppose that Gollum WOULD want the strongest female for his mate, and since you beat me - I suppose it is you," She admitted. She sighed and rose to her feet. "I will go back to Lorien, back to that wretchedly boring man I am married to." She sighed.  
  
"And Haldir's brothers," Arwen pointed out, smirking.  
  
Galadriel tried to rearrange the remains of her dress. "Yes, well, when you think of it that way I suppose going back is not a total loss," She murmured with a small smile. She stepped towards Arwen to say farewell, but Arwen leapt forward, still on all fours, and hissed at her. The older Elf backed away and put her hands up. "All right. I will be going now." She hastily made her exit.  
  
Arwen smiled to herself and crawled back over to the rock she had been sitting on earlier. She crouched down and resumed talking to herself. "We beat her, yes we did. Nasty Elf slut wanted to take our Gollum away from us. But we made her go away. No one can take him from us. He's ours. Our own. Our - Precious."  
  
Arwen rocked back and forth on the rock in the dank, dark cave as she continued to talk to herself.  
  
~~The Shire~~  
  
Sam sighed in irritation and looked out the window for what had to be the thousandth time. Rosie still hadn't come back from the field, where he had left her and Pippin to discuss their mutual admiration for Gollum. Sam was starting to have paranoid fantasies of what might exactly be going on out there.  
  
@@Begin Paranoid Fantasy@@  
  
Sam walked through the field of flowers and tall grass, searching for his wife. He had waited as long as he could stand for her to return and needed to make sure she was all right.  
  
As he got closer to where they had run into Pippin earlier, he heard odd noises in the air. He stopped and cocked his head as he listened carefully. He heard the noises again - rustling sounds, accompanied by soft moans. Sam's eyes went wide and he started running towards the sounds. He came face to face with a terrible sight.  
  
"Oh, darling," Rosie said to Sam as she grabbed her dress to cover her naked body. "I didn't think we'd been out here so long." She was pretending to be embarrassed but the smile on her lips told Sam she was feeling no such thing.  
  
Pippin, equally naked, didn't even bother pretending to be embarrassed. "Sam, would you mind coming back in -" he looked at Rosie. "What do you think, an hour or so?"  
  
"Only ONE hour?" Rosie giggled as she batted her eyelashes.  
  
For a few moments Sam was unable to speak. His mouthed open and closed several times as he gaped at his wife and Frodo's cousin.  
  
"He looks like a fish when he does that," Pippin giggled.  
  
Rosie giggled too. "Fish - oooh, Gollum so loves fish." Her eyes met with Pippin's and desire blazed anew. The dress covering Rosie was thrown aside and the two started going at it again, not caring that Sam was still standing there watching.  
  
Sam finally managed to speak. "But - " He didn't bother to say any more, as anything he would have said would have been drowned out by the cries of pleasure of the two in front of him. He sighed and walked wearily back towards the house.  
  
@@End Paranoid Fantasy@@  
  
Sam clenched his fists. "He's not getting away with it! I'm going out there and getting my wife!" He headed for the door but stopped as an idea hit him. "No - I need to do something else first." He smiled grimly and went to find Merry.  
  
~~Isengard~~  
  
"Do you require anything else of me this evening, Master?" Grima asked Saruman. He wanted to get away from the crazy wizard and change his clothes. His robes were covered in pieces of chewed-up fish Saruman had spewed on him while he'd been eating and talking at the same time. The stench was getting to him.  
  
"Actually, yes," Saruman said as he rose from his hourly visit to his Gollum shrine. "I've got some very exciting news."  
  
Grima suddenly felt afraid - very afraid. "Oh?"  
  
Saruman practically danced over to Grima, waving an envelope in the air. "I've been approved to start the Isengard chapter of the Gollum Fan Club! Isn't that exciting! I'm going to be President! We'll hold weekly meetings and talk about how much we love Gollum, quiz each other on our Gollum knowledge, and discuss the best fabrics for making loincloths!"  
  
Grima swallowed hard and said in what he hoped was a sincere tone, "I'm very happy for you, Master."  
  
Saruman put a hand on Grima's shoulder. "You haven't heard the best part! As my loyal servant, YOU are going to be my Vice President!" He looked the other man over with a critical eye. "Of course, you'll need to be fitted for a loincloth - "  
  
"Uhh, Master, I am greatly humbled by this honor you wish to bestow upon me, but I do not feel worthy. You should give this position to someone who as much of a fan of Gollum as you are," Grima stammered.  
  
"Nonsense! You just need a little work and you will worship Gollum just as I do!" Saruman narrowed his eyes and intoned menacingly, "You will learn the ways of the Slimy One. Your training begins tomorrow."  
  
"Yes, Master." Grima watched Saruman prance away, loincloth flapping. He wondered if it was too late to return to Rohan. Even a death sentence was better than this. 


	5. Chapter 5: Celeborn's Density

Title: Gollum Mania! 5/?  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.  
  
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary, some Celeborn bashing, mild sexual themes, Grima + loincloth = VERY scary  
  
Archive: Just ask  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.  
  
A/N: I'm trying to decide who/what I want to be Gollum's agent/manager. Any suggestions let me know. Doesn't have to be a character that already exists in LOTR. I just can't seem to make a decision.  
  
I also want to apologize for the mental damage I will no doubt cause with the image of Grima in a loincloth. I'm shuddering at the image of Brad Dourif (who played Grima) in a loincloth as I write this. I'm a fan of Brad's but it's still a freaky image. Oh, and I have nothing against Celeborn. Thought he was pretty hot in the movie. Haldir too. And Elrond - hmm it seems I have a thing for Elves. Although Legolas actually doesn't do much for me (ducks flaming arrows). Okay, I'm getting off track here -  
  
To my reviewers:  
  
Katherine, Eirtae, StaceyBaggins922, Phoenix, Gollum/Katie: Thanks for the reviews!  
  
Lassemista, err, Lasse - I guess you can call me Ahl if I get to call you Lasse. Wow! I'm on a nickname basis with a reviewer. How cool is that? I prefer Elves too, though I wouldn't mind giving Merry and Pippin a few snuggles. Those big hairy feet though - not my thing.  
  
LMG - What would happen if you set Gollum on fire? I don't know, his slime coat might protect him.  
  
Sache - Um - I don't know if your review was a compliment or not, but it's nice to know you thought of my story when you saw the movie. Sorry if it ruined the experience for you LOL.  
  
Evil Old Lady - If you keep reading, stock up on aspirin, it can only get worse.  
  
If anyone is a member of livejournal and is willing to provide me with a code so I can get a free account, it would be most appreciated. In return you get my eternal servitude! Err, well, it'd make me happy.  
  
  
  
~~Lorien~~  
  
Celeborn sighed as he sat on the balcony and looked over the beautiful land he and his wife ruled over. But for all of it's splendor, he felt terribly alone and depressed. His wife had become distant from him. She spent many long hours locked in her own separate chambers, and then would depart mysteriously at night and not reappear until morning. True, having been together for centuries tended to breed a certain amount of boredom in a relationship, but Galadriel had stopped showing any sort of interest in him at all. And lately - well, she had become just plain odd. And then she had left Lorien without a word to anyone. It was most perplexing.  
  
He tapped his fingers against the arm of his chair as he waited for Haldir to return. He had ordered his most trusted guard to search Galadriel's chambers for anything that may give a clue as to the reasons behind her increasingly erratic behavior as of late.  
  
"My Lord." Haldir had returned. He knelt before Celeborn and lowered his head respectfully. "I have - discovered something in the Lady's chambers."  
  
Celeborn motioned for Haldir to rise. "What have you found?"  
  
The broad-shouldered Elf held out a magazine. "This was under her bed. There has been much written by the Lady's hand in it. It is some sort of publication called 'Teen Creatures'."  
  
Celeborn furrowed his brows, "The Lady is a little old to be concerned with such triteness, I should think." He stared at the cover. "Gollum? Since when has that vile creature become so popular?" He hmmed to himself as he opened the magazine.  
  
"Gollum's Love Advice." Celeborn said as he read the title of the article. He looked up at Haldir. "Apparently people write letters to Gollum to ask for advice on their personal lives." The two male Elves exchanged equally perplexed looks and Celeborn read the first letter aloud.  
  
"Dear Gollum,  
  
I am an Elf Queen that has been married for thousands of years to the most boring man to ever exist. We have not made love in hundreds of years and I have sought my pleasure with other men to fill the void. The problem is, I always get bored with my lovers after a short time. Can you recommend anything I might be able to do to spice up my affairs so I may keep a lover longer? If I go through many more men, even as dense a person as my husband may get suspicious.  
  
Signed, Lady G"  
  
Haldir coughed behind his cupped hand and turned away so Celeborn couldn't see his reaction. It was obvious who had written that letter.  
  
Celeborn said, "I wonder who this 'Lady G' is?"  
  
Haldir choked at that and his shoulders shook slightly as he struggled not to chortle at his Lord's cluelessness. The Lady did have a point about Celeborn being dense.  
  
"Well, let's see what Gollum's reply was," Celeborn continued, oblivious to the reaction of his guard as he read the response to the letter aloud:  
  
"Lady G,  
  
Mating nice, yessss. We likes touching. Touching nice. We get female to roleplay, yesss we do. Pretend they are something else, like tasty fish for usss to eat up! Or naughty Hobbit we needs to punish! Yesss, we likes to play naughty Hobbit! Nasty Hobbitses need good sspanking!"  
  
Celeborn chuckled, "That Gollum fellow certainly dislikes Hobbits, doesn't he? Oh, here's some of Galadriel's writing, with an arrow pointing to that letter." He read aloud what Galadriel had written in the margin of the page:  
  
**Why didn't I think of that before? Roleplaying! What a marvelous idea. The next time I meet with Orophin and Rumil we will have to try it. Hmm, what should we play? Perhaps they can both pretend to be Gollum and I can pretend to be a nice tasty fish for them to devour. Oh, better yet, I could pretend to be a maiden selling fresh fish and they have to 'convince' me to give them some. I could even dress them in loincloths and make them talk and move just like he does - ooh, I get shivers just picturing it!**  
  
Haldir paled at the mention of his brothers' names. He swallowed hard and watched warily for his Lord's reaction.  
  
Celeborn looked up and smiled pleasantly. "Well, at least this letter from 'Lady G' has given my wife some ideas on how to entertain herself." He clapped his hands excitedly. "A play! That DOES sound fun! I do hope she can convince your brothers to participate. Perhaps we could even join in, what do you think, Haldir?"  
  
Haldir stared at Celeborn for a long moment before realizing that his Lord thought Galadriel was talking about putting on a REAL play, and not some kinky sex game with Haldir's two brothers. The warrior felt laughter rising to the surface and struggled to hold it back.  
  
"My Lord - if you would - excuse me a moment," Haldir managed before running out of the room.  
  
Celeborn looked back at the note his wife had written. "I could be a good husband and help her out, have someone make the loincloths for her - wouldn't she be surprised! I know someone who's quite good with costumes -" The Elf Lord looked up again as peals of hysterical laughter echoed from down below.  
  
He rose from his seat and peeked over the edge of the balcony. On the walkway below was Haldir, rolling on the ground and laughing so hard tears were streaming from his eyes. He was clutching his stomach as he did so and his face had gone an odd shade of red.  
  
"I wonder what's come over him," Celeborn said to himself.  
  
~~Isengard~~  
  
Grima Wormtongue groaned and covered his head with his blanket as the door to his chambers flew open. "Grima! Time to get up!" A cheery voice sang.  
  
No, Grima's mind screamed. Please, don't let him be here for the reason I think he is -  
  
Saruman pranced over to the bed and yanked the covers off of his servant. "Up now! I've got a surpriiiiise for youuuu!" He sang.  
  
Grima prepared for the worst as he got out of bed. When he reached for his robes Saruman stopped him. "Ooooh no you don't! You haven't forgotten our conversation from last night, have you? Look what I got!"  
  
The wizard proudly held up a bright purple loincloth. "I thought this would go great with your skin tone. Now put it on!"  
  
Grima winced, but knew it was useless to disagree with his master. Ticking off a super powerful wizard was always a bad move. He sighed and took the loincloth from Saruman's hand. He turned away from the other man as he put the loincloth on.  
  
"Come on, let's see it!" Saruman said impatiently. He squealed with delight and clapped his hands as Grima reluctantly turned to face him. "Oh, it's perfect! I was a little worried about the size, but it looks good!"  
  
Grima couldn't bear to meet the other man's eyes as Saruman made him turn around in a circle for a full inspection. Grima was not as skinny as Saruman, but still thin, though he did have a bit of middle-age paunch at the belly. Although this was humiliating, he had to admit that the purple material DID go well with the sickly yellow color of his skin.  
  
Saruman tugged at the material at Grima's left hip. "Just a little lower - good! Well, you need to lose weight, but we're going to start working on that today. No more beef and cakes for you, my friend! From this day on only water and raw fish!" He grabbed Grima by the arm. "Now come with me to the shrine, you must stand before the altar of the Slimy One and be initiated into the Isengard chapter of the Gollum Fan Club!"  
  
Grima allowed himself to be dragged through the tower to the main chamber where the shrine to Gollum was. Saruman eagerly pushed him down to kneel before the shrine and knelt beside him. The wizard raised his arms into the air and began to recite dramatically the words of initiation.  
  
"He likes usss, yesss he does! He wants to be usss, yesss he does! We love Gollum, he loves usss! We thank Gollum for the tasty fishes and the loincloths covering our asses! Grima is our friend, we loves Grima! Grima loves us! Grima friend, not nasssty!" Saruman then grabbed Grima and pulled him to his feet. "Now to show your appreciation you must do the Dance of Acceptance. Follow me!"  
  
Saruman began to caper about the room and Grima did his best to imitate his movements. More than once the younger man tripped and fell - giving him a rather unwanted view up Saruman's loincloth.  
  
Grima didn't think he'd have to worry about the fish only diet much. After the view he'd just gotten he didn't think he'd want to eat anytime soon anyway. 


	6. Chapter 6: Aragorn's Obsession

Title: Gollum Mania! 6/?  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.  
  
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary, mild sexual themes  
  
Archive: Just ask  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.  
  
A/N: I know it's been a few days since I've updated. Things are kind of busy right now and I've been having trouble focusing to write this. I just want to thank everyone who's reviewed so far. I got so many reviews from last chapter I don't really have the time to address everyone individually right now, so - thanks to everyone, it means a lot! And keep reading!  
  
And since several people asked - I have nothing against Celeborn, in fact I thought he was pretty sexy in the movie. He just seems easy to pick on for some reason. I notice he's a favorite bashing target of other humor writers as well, much like one of my other faves Boromir. I make fun of everybody eventually in my fics, I don't really hate anyone.  
  
  
  
~~Gondor~~  
  
Aragorn, King of Gondor, was gradually losing his mind. He imagined that it began the day Arwen had called Gollum's name out while they were making love.  
  
**Begin Flashback**  
  
He pulled away from his Queen in shock, all desire having swiftly left his body. "Did - did you just say - GOLLUM?"  
  
Arwen blushed and said between still-heavy breaths, "Oh, I'm sorry darling. It was just a slip."  
  
"A slip? Why in the Valar's name were you thinking about that filthy creature at a time like this?!" Aragorn shouted.  
  
Arwen's eyes narrowed and she grabbed for her gown. "Don't talk that way about him."  
  
Aragorn stared at his wife as if she'd gone insane. "Hello, remember Gollum, slimy, multiple personalities, bit Frodo's finger off - THAT Gollum?"  
  
"He's just misunderstood! It was the Ring that made him that way, before that he was almost just like Frodo!" Arwen argued. "And stop calling him names, he's adorable! More than adorable - sexy!"  
  
"SEXY?!" Aragorn yelled in disbelief. "You can't be serious!"  
  
"Of course I'm serious!" She reached under the mattress of their bed and pulled out a stack of magazines. The one on the top was named 'Slimy Gents Quarterly'. "Read for yourself! He's charming, and sensitive - everything you're not!" Arwen declared. "That's it, I've had enough. I've spent months trying to pretend I'm happy with you, pretending you were Gollum while we were making love -"  
  
"You've been doing it for MONTHS?" Aragorn felt sick to his stomach.  
  
Arwen tossed her head and glared at her husband. "Yes! But I'm tired of pretending. I'm leaving you. I'm going back to Daddy, and with his help I am going to make my fantasy a reality. Gollum will be mine!"  
  
**End Flashback**  
  
She had left the next day. He had thought at first it was merely some passing fad, and soon she would be back. But she had not returned, nor tried to contact him at all. He had waited and waited, to no avail. She would not respond to the messages he sent.  
  
That was when his mind began to break. And he blamed it all on Gollum. That slimy, scrawny beast had taken the love of his life away from him. Thus began Aragorn's obsession - his obsession to destroy Gollum.  
  
After he had taken care of matters of state for the day, the King headed to a room deep in the castle that he had forbidden anyone else to enter. He locked himself inside and lit the numerous candles around the room.  
  
Aragorn didn't know it, but his secret room greatly resembled Saruman's Gollum shrine - but the purposes were quite different. Aragorn did not come here to worship Gollum. He came here to plot his doom.  
  
Aragorn had read every single publication that had even the slightest mention of Gollum. He knew everything about his nemesis. He lined the walls with pictures of his foe and stared at them for long hours as he imagined hundreds of ways to kill the creature - often giggling in insane glee as he did so.  
  
"Soon, my friend," Aragorn murmured as he began to throw knives at his homemade Gollum target dummy. "Soon, we shall meet - and you will pay for taking my wife from me."  
  
~~The Shire~~  
  
"Ow! Merry let go, that hurts!" Pippin protested as he was dragged by his ear through the field.  
  
"I'm not letting go of you until we sit down and sort this nonsense out!" Merry said angrily. "What did I tell you about this Gollum nonsense? And to be carrying on with Rosie like that, Sam's own wife! How could you do such a thing?"  
  
"I didn't do anything!" Pippin cried indignantly. "I was practicing my skulking and I ran into Sam and Rosie about to play 'hide the sausage'. Sam wanted to know what I was doing and I told him. Rosie was interested and so we started talking about Gollum, that's all!"  
  
Merry hmphed. "Right, and that's why when Sam and I found you, you were half naked and doing those stupid poses for Rosie -"  
  
"She liked it!" Pippin pointed out.  
  
"That's not the point!" Merry yelled at his cousin. They stopped under a tree and Merry dropped Pippin to the ground. "You don't mess with someone else's wife, especially one of our best friends' wives! And that's not even HALF of your problem! It's this stupid obsession with Gollum! How could you be so naïve?"  
  
Pippin looked up at his older cousin with shimmering eyes. "But - all the lasses think he's so sexy! The way they look at his pictures, the way they talk about him, like he's the most wonderful thing in all of Middle Earth! I want the lasses to be that way about ME, Merry!"  
  
Merry sighed as he looked at the sweet, innocent face of his most beloved relative. "Pippin, someday a lass will love you for exactly as you are, not for who you pretend to be. This whole Gollum thing is just a passing fad, in a few months none of them will even remember what he looked like, you'll see."  
  
Pippin's bottom lip quivered and a tear rolled down his cheek. He looked down at the ground, saying nothing.  
  
Merry knelt down and embraced the other Hobbit. "Pip, you're my best friend, I love you. I'm only trying to help. I don't want to see you get hurt over some silly obsession. Understand?"  
  
Pippin sniffled and nodded against Merry's shoulder. "Yes, Merry."  
  
Merry pulled back and smiled. "Good. Now, it's almost time for supper. Why don't you go get cleaned up and meet me in the house, all right?"  
  
Pippin nodded and watched Merry leave. As soon as the other Hobbit was out of sight Pippin got to his feet. He had no intention of eating all that fattening food tonight. Merry just didn't understand. No - he was JEALOUS. Jealous that Pippin had the courage to do what he was when Merry himself didn't.  
  
Pippin ran in the opposite direction of the house, getting down on all fours to practice his skulking as he headed for the river to catch a nice tasty fish for his supper.  
  
~~Lorien~~  
  
Galadriel snuck quietly down the empty corridor of the palace. It was late at night and she had just arrived back home from her trip to the Misty Mountains. She was still smarting at her loss to Arwen, but had reconciled to herself that at least Gollum would be getting a strong mate in her granddaughter. Gollum would be a lot better for Arwen than that dirty hairy Man Aragorn anyway.  
  
"My Lady?"  
  
Galadriel eeped and spun around to see Haldir standing there, staring at her in that calmly arrogant way of his. "Haldir! Oh, you frightened me." She stood straight and smoothed down what little remained of her clothing, which had been ripped to shreds by Arwen. "I have returned from my journey," she announced with all the regalness she could muster. "I am retiring to my chambers for the night and I am not to be disturbed."  
  
Haldir inclined his head in acknowledgement. "I will inform my brothers." He clapped a hand over his mouth when he realized what he'd just said and stammered, "That is, I will inform them that they should practice their archery more, for you never know when we may come under attack!"  
  
Galadriel wasn't fooled, being able to read minds and all. A sly smile crept to her lips as she glided towards Haldir. "So, my two naughty boys have been talking, have they?"  
  
Haldir swallowed hard as he tried not to stare at all of her body bits being revealed by the torn clothing. "No, it's just - well, Lord Celeborn had me search your room and I found your magazine -"  
  
Understanding lit Galadriel's eyes. "I see. And what did Lord Celeborn have to say about what was in it?"  
  
"He said that - that he was happy you were creating a 'play' with Orophin and Rumil, and offered to have someone make the loincloths you required." Haldir bit his lip as he tried not to laugh.  
  
Galadriel grinned, happy to see her husband was as dense as ever. "And?"  
  
"And he - he said - " Tears came to Haldir's eyes as he tried to keep composed, his body shaking with mirth. "- he said he and I should see - if we could be involved in your 'play' too!" He couldn't take it anymore and burst into peals of laughter, doubling over.  
  
Galadriel began to laugh as well, the sound echoing throughout the empty hall. This went on for several minutes and when the two finally composed themselves, Haldir couldn't help but notice that the Lady was pressed rather close to him.  
  
"Do you enjoy - 'plays', Haldir?" The Elf Queen asked in a sultry voice.  
  
Haldir swallowed hard. "It depends on who is involved, my Lady."  
  
Galadriel smiled. "Bring your brothers to my chambers tomorrow night. I believe I have just the 'part' for you." Without another word she made her way towards her chambers.  
  
Haldir walked in the opposite direction, chuckling. "I had better tell Lord Celeborn to make THREE loincloths, then." 


	7. Chapter 7: Merchandising!

Title: Gollum Mania! 7/?  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.  
  
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary  
  
Archive: Just ask  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.  
  
A/N: To those of you who were disappointed at the lack of Grima content in the last chapter, he's back in this one! And if there's any Grima fangirls out there, there's a lovely livejournal community dedicated to him at http://www.livejournal.com/users/leechcraft you don't need to be a member of livejournal to look at the posts and the group allows anonymous postings if you're not a member as well. And yes, I am Ahlmora on livejournal as well. And as always, thank you all for the reviews! I'm just getting too many now to thank you all personally!  
  
  
  
~~An Undisclosed Location~~  
  
"Gollum, baby!" Ukrak, Gollum's agent shouted as he ducked down to enter the cave. "Wait until you hear this! It's BIG, my man!"  
  
His client came shuffling into the open in his usual loincloth. "Call us Smeagol, yes, we's Smeagol today!"  
  
"Sure Smeagol, whatever you want babe." The Uruk-Hai wasn't going to argue with his meal ticket. Bad for business, and besides, ticking off a half- crazed creature with a split personality and murderous tendencies was never a good idea regardless. "Wait until you hear this! What do you say to - " He paused for dramatic effect as he reached into his cloak, "YOUR OWN LINE OF MERCHANDISE!" He produced an action figure of Gollum, complete with little leathery loincloth. "Your Swamp Magic shampoo is such a hit we want to market a full line of Gollum products! What do you think?"  
  
Gollum narrowed his eyes as he came forward on all fours to get a closer look. He rose to his feet and inspected the piece of plastic his agent held. "Hmm, it looks like us, yes it does."  
  
"Well, that's the point," Ukrak explained. "We want to make all sorts of things that look like you. Action figures, dolls, candy! We want to put your face on everything from lunchboxes to Hobbit undergarments! We'll make a fortune! Just imagine all the fish that can buy, my friend!"  
  
Having looked rather bored through the rest of the speech, Gollum's eyes lit up at the mention of fish. "Yesss, we loves the fishes! Lots of fishes for us! Squirmy wormy wiggly fishes - " The creature was now singing and dancing about as he rambled on about his love for fish.  
  
Ukrak let his client caper about for a few more minutes before asking a bit impatiently, "So you approve then?"  
  
Gollum stopped in mid-dance and spun around. His expression darkened and his eyes narrowed. He sat on his haunches and put a finger to his lips in a contemplative gesture. "We don'ts know - we haves to think, yes we does." He shuffled into a far corner for privacy.  
  
Ukrak sighed, as he knew what was coming. Mr. Split Personality was about to have a conversation with his two halves. Hopefully the evil half wouldn't decide they were better off killing 'the nassty agent'. The Uruk- Hai always kept tranquilizer darts with him, just in case.  
  
Gollum began to talk to himself, whatever half was speaking clearly evident in his facial expressions and his tone of voice. 'Evil Gollum' leered and spoke in dark, evil tones; 'Good Gollum/Smeagol' cringed and spoke in a high, reedy voice. Ukrak couldn't hear the exact words being spoken, but the argument seemed to be getting rather heated.  
  
Finally the scrawny creature ambled back over to his agent. "We's agree, but we wants one thing, yess."  
  
Ukrak let out a sigh of relief. "Anything, what is it?"  
  
Gollum pointed at the action figure and proclaimed in a high-pitched voice, "We wants that to have kung-fu grip!"  
  
~~The Misty Mountains~~  
  
Arwen sat crouched in the dank cave, trying not to be sick. She stared at the fish flopping about on the rock in front of her with dismay. She knew this was the next step in becoming the perfect mate for Gollum, but the idea of biting into a raw, still-squirming fish -  
  
The Elf steadied herself and took a deep breath. "Come on now, you've mastered crouching, talking to yourself, skulking, and stalking. You can do this too!" She said to herself. She gathered her courage and snatched up the fish. Before she could stop to reconsider she bit down into it, through the rough scales and squirming flesh.  
  
Arwen valiantly tried to keep it in her mouth, but it was no use. She managed a few convulsive chews before she scrambled towards the edge of the rock and spit it out. She scooped up some water and rinsed her mouth out over and over, gagging from the lingering taste the fish left in her mouth. She finally collapsed onto all fours and burst into tears.  
  
"Oh, I'm never going to be able to do this! I'm never going to be able to impress Gollum and make him mine!" She wailed. She sobbed loudly in her hopelessness for a long while before she was able to begin to compose herself. As she noisily blew her nose, inspiration struck.  
  
"What if - I impress him in another way? Then it wouldn't matter to him that I can't eat raw fish! Now think what could I do to impress him - oh I know one thing that would make him love me for sure! If I were to get rid of the person he hates most - the one who took his Precious away from him forever. Frodo Baggins!"  
  
Arwen began to caper around with glee in a rather Gollum-like manner, seeming to forget that her target was the very person who had saved Middle Earth from Sauron's rule and was supposed to be a rather good friend of hers. Who cared anyway? She'd do anything for Gollum's love!  
  
~~Isengard~~  
  
Grima collapsed onto the floor, exhausted after dancing around behind Saruman most of the day. Bloody long ceremony this was, being inducted into the Gollum Fan Club. Like he even wanted to be a part of it anyway. Though, he had to admit that running around in nothing but a loincloth WAS rather liberating.  
  
Saruman danced around the Gollum Shrine a couple more times before prancing over to Grima. "Come on, come on! You still have a lot more to learn!" He took Grima's hand and pulled him to his feet. "You must now read the Sacred Tomes of Gollum Knowledge and absorb the information within!"  
  
Grima was led to Saruman's library, where the wizard produced volume upon volume of these 'Sacred Tomes', i.e., various magazines featuring Gollum. Grima jumped as a copy of 'Cave and Garden' was dropped into his lap.  
  
"You will start with that one," Saruman instructed. "You must read all writings pertaining to the Slimy One in this Sacred Tome. Then you must move on to the other Sacred Tomes and read all of those as well. You will not leave this room until I am assured you have fully absorbed all of this information!" He spun around and left, closing the door and bolting it from the outside.  
  
Grima sighed and opened the magazine to the first article, "Gollum's Tips for a Cozy Cave." He put his feet up onto the desk and began to read. 


	8. Chapter 8: Gollum Must Die

Title: Gollum Mania! 8/?  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Summary: Gollum has become the heartthrob of Middle Earth. Women desire him. Men want to be him. He's on the cover of every magazine. Visit this insane world, if you dare. AU, of course.  
  
Warnings: Gollum + sexy = STILL scary  
  
Archive: Just ask  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these characters. The magazine names are made up, and if any happen to be real I don't own them, either.  
  
A/N: Sorry it's been so long since I've updated. I kind of had a burst of creativity and then burned out for a bit. But I'm back! I'll try to update more regularly now. No Grima this chapter, sorry guys.  
  
To my reviewers: Lasse, Starfleet Hobbit, Kuririn's Onna, Eyes-of-Lily, Yuffie-Girl, Liz, bananaman's amiga, Sweet-e452, and ^_~ : Thank you for your support!  
  
Sache: All right, you caught me. I was thinking of Spaceballs during the merchandising part in the last chapter and had to restrain myself from 'Gollum - the flame thrower' **snicker**  
  
Rabid Locust: Don't worry, Frodo won't die. When I decide to end this story it's going to be quite an eventful ending.  
  
Katherine: You're making me blush! To think that someone thinks my insanity amounts to incredible talent - I feel all squishy. Either that or it's time for a diaper change.  
  
Miyako Inoue: I want a kung-fu grip Gollum too!  
  
bryn: 'Behind the Precious' - LOL that's a good idea.  
  
  
  
~~Rivendell~~  
  
Elrond was getting worried about Arwen. His daughter had been gone for some time, with no contact from her. He was beginning to wonder if it had been such a good idea to let her go off all by herself. Brave as she was, she wasn't the brightest bulb in the drawer.  
  
The Elf Lord sighed and was settling down to read 'Gollum's Better Sex Tips' when a thought struck him. Galadriel! If anyone would know where Arwen was she would, being an all-powerful witch and all. He concentrated so he could telepathically contact her.  
  
((Oh, Haldir!)) Galadriel's voice moaned in his head. ((Oh you naughty boy! Keep going like that and I'll give you all the fish you want - ))  
  
Elrond's eyes widened. Oops, he'd apparently caught her at a bad time. He pondered trying again later, but his concern for his daughter overrode his fear of angering his mother-in-law. He let out a polite cough mentally to try to get her attention.  
  
The mental moaning abruptly stopped and the voice of the Elf Queen came through, a bit breathlessly. ((Elrond? Uh, greetings son-in-law, to what do I owe the honor?))  
  
((I apologize for interrupting your.fun, but I have a matter of some urgency. Arwen left Rivendell some time ago on a quest to become the perfect mate for Gollum. I have not heard from her, I wondered if you could tell me where she is and if she is well?))  
  
Galadriel paused for a moment before responding. ((She currently dwells in the Misty Mountains. She has devoted herself to gaining Gollum's favor)). Her voice suddenly turned foreboding. ((However, I sense a great darkness growing within her. Slowly her mind is turning away from the light. Her thoughts are of vengeance - and murder!))  
  
Elrond gasped. ((Murder? The murder of whom?))  
  
Galadriel was silent for a few moments for proper dramatic effect before intoning, ((Frodo!))  
  
Elrond jumped from his seat. ((Frodo! Why?))  
  
((She seeks to gain Gollum's favor by killing the one who took the Ring away from him.))  
  
Elrond paused as he considered this for a moment. ((Well, I suppose Arwen DOES have a point there. Gollum must hate Frodo more than anyone for taking his Precious from him. Her killing Frodo is bound to please Gollum. And it really would be advantageous to have someone so famous as a son-in-law - ))  
  
((Indeed)), Galadriel replied. ((Hmm, so do you think we should warn Frodo?))  
  
((Nah. No sense in ruining the element of surprise)), Elrond responded.  
  
((I suppose we should feel bad about this.after all, Frodo DID save us from eternal darkness and all - ))  
  
Elrond shrugged. ((Oh well, he's served his purpose. What's he done for us LATELY? Not a thing! Lazy useless Hobbit!))  
  
Galadriel let out a sigh of relief. ((True. I don't feel so bad now. Well then, let us leave Arwen to her work. I will keep you updated. Now if you will excuse me - ))  
  
Elrond winced as Galadriel abruptly cut off their mental connection. He settled back into his chair and smiled to himself.  
  
"I'm going to be the father-in-law of the most famous person in Middle Earth, and all it'll cost me is the life of one Hobbit," He murmured to himself. "Life is good."  
  
~~The Shire~~  
  
Merry cursed and paced back and forth while Frodo, Sam, and Rosie watched. "How stupid am I, to have actually thought Pippin would listen to me! Now he's gone off to who knows where and doing who knows what!"  
  
"Oh, I hope he's all right," Rosie sighed, looking concerned. Sam glared at her but she ignored him.  
  
"Come now, Merry," Frodo tried to soothe his cousin. "You know Pippin, he gets some silly idea in his head and you can't sway him from it. He'll get bored with this eventually just like he does with everything else, you'll see."  
  
"I hope so," Merry muttered.  
  
While Rosie cleared away the remaining dishes from their meal, Sam took Frodo aside, looking anxious.  
  
"I'm losing her, Frodo!" Sam whispered urgently. "I'm losing my Rosie to Pippin!"  
  
"Now Sam, don't be silly! Rosie loves you. This Gollum thing is just a fad, she'll get over it and she'll be all yours again!" Frodo said.  
  
"It might be too late by then! You should have seen the way she was looking at Pippin today while he was posing for her in that loincloth of his!" Sam looked despondently down at his chubby body. "She used to look at ME like that, but not now. She don't find me attractive anymore." Sam looked as if he were about to cry.  
  
"Shhh, dear Sam," Frodo soothed as he embraced his best friend. "It will be all right, you'll see!"  
  
Sam wiped his eyes and glanced over at Rosie. "I hope you're right," He said in a determined voice. "Because if Pippin ain't going to lay off of my lady, I'm going to have to do something about it."  
  
**Later that night**  
  
Sam and Rosie lay in their bed, as far apart from each other as possible. Unable to sleep, Sam tried to snuggle up to his wife, only to be slapped.  
  
"What was that for?" Sam asked.  
  
"For being so mean to Pippin!" Rosie shouted.  
  
"MEAN?!" Sam shouted back. "He's prancing around in front of you mostly naked and you're LIKING it! I think I have a right to be upset!"  
  
Rosie hmphed and crossed her arms in front of her. "You're just jealous that Pippin has the courage to try to improve himself and you don't!"  
  
Sam stared at her in disbelief. "I am not jealous! Pippin's gone insane over this Gollum nonsense - "  
  
"It is NOT nonsense! That's it! Samwise Gamgee, you sleep on the sofa!" She threw a pillow and blanket at her husband. "Get out!"  
  
"But - "  
  
"OUT!"  
  
Sam sighed and stalked out of the bedroom, slamming the door after him. As he settled onto the sofa he muttered, "Pippin is SO dead."  
  
**Meanwhile**  
  
Pippin was curled up in the bushes, not far from Bag End. Being only in his loincloth, he was shivering from the cold. He curled himself up into a little ball as he tried to keep warm.  
  
"It's all for a good cause," He kept telling himself. "If I can be like Gollum all the lasses will want me! All the lads will be so jealous and Merry won't be able to say I'm being silly anymore. No more young, stupid Pippin. I'll show them all!"  
  
Pippin tried to rub some feeling back into his legs as he tried to ignore the fact that a nice warm house was only a few yards away. He'd made it this far - he was going to see it through. He'd show everyone what Pippin Took could do.  
  
~~Gondor~~  
  
Legolas tapped cautiously on the closed door before him. "Aragorn?"  
  
From inside the Elf heard a lowered voice. "Come in, Legolas."  
  
Legolas stepped cautiously inside. The room was nearly completely dark, except for a few lit candles. Aragorn sat crouched on the floor, staring intently at a dummy made to look like Gollum, which was full of puncture marks from having knives thrown at it. "You wanted to see me?"  
  
Aragorn nodded, still staring at the dummy. "I have a favor to ask of you, old friend. I am about to set out on a great task, one of the utmost importance - I would like your help."  
  
Legolas knelt next to the Man. "Of course. What is it that you require?"  
  
Aragorn finally turned to look at the Elf. His eyes were dark and haunted, and he looked as if he hadn't slept for days. "Your help on my quest to rid Middle Earth of Gollum."  
  
Legolas looked taken aback. "Why do you wish to kill Gollum?"  
  
"Because he took my Arwen away from me!" Aragorn shouted. "That filthy, slimy creature has captured my Queen's heart, and for that he must pay! Aaaargh!" He lunged at the Gollum dummy and began hacking at it with a knife, making stuffing fly.  
  
Legolas swallowed hard and took a few steps back. "Well - if you want my help you have it."  
  
Aragorn finally stopped hacking at the now mutilated dummy and looked at the Elf with wild eyes. "Really? Oh, thank you! You are such a wonderful friend, Legolas." He approached his friend and gave him a manly shoulder squeeze as he gazed upon the Elf with crazed eyes.  
  
"Anything for a friend," Legolas replied, eyeing the knife in Aragorn's hand uneasily. In truth, Legolas had his own agenda. Ever since Gollum had come into fashion, he had an increasingly hard time getting dates. The women thought he had too much hair, was too tall, he wore too many clothes, he was not schizophrenic enough. Getting rid of Gollum would alleviate many of his problems. And if Aragorn wanted the same thing and they ended up helping each other achieve that goal, all the better.  
  
But he was going to keep his bow and arrow close by at all times, even when he slept. Aragorn was freaking him out. He hadn't felt this disturbed since the time Gimli had tried to cheer him up by running around in a sequined bikini. 


	9. Author's Note

Ok, I know I haven't updated this in ages, and I have a good reason for that.  
  
I'm stuck. Completely, utterly stuck.  
  
I can not think of how to continue this story. At all. I mean, I know it can be done, but I can not personally figure out how to get this all going again. So, I don't think I'll be able to finish it.  
  
I'm really sorry. If anyone would like to write their own version of events that take place after what I've written, feel free, you have my blessings. I'll be sure to read them.  
  
I want to thank everyone who loved this story, and I'm sorry I let you down. I just have total writer's block with this story and can't seem to get around it.  
  
- ahlmora 


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